How to live in a long distance relationship.

How to live in a long distance relationship.

Some say it can't be done, it will never work and that is true for them. It's not necessarily true for you, it definitely wasn't true for me.

There are many differences in a long distance relationship and keep in mind that one of you where in holiday mode when you met. That being said most people are different on holiday and in everyday life, so if you are the one who was traveling at the time this relationship started you are the one that changes the most when the distance is greatest. So when the other person is getting upset with you and telling you you are different or that you have changed, that is probably true without you being aware that it is.

When on a holiday ad in the presence of the person you want to be with everything is relaxed and sweet. You have all the time in the world and you are just enjoying this state of mind and not considering that this will change as soon as you get your butt back home. You also have to remember that there is a lot of insecurities connected to the traveling and being left behind. Whenever I am the one leaving I'm sad, but in control. I know where I'm going and I know where I'm leaving him, there are no unknown factors for me. When I'm the one being left behind, he is traveling to strange places, places I haven't been and staying with people on the way that I don't know. There are so many variables in the being left behind part you have to be understanding and open about where you are, what you are doing and who you are doing it with.

In different cultures there are different variables on what is acceptable and what is not. If you don't know these codes you have to be ready for a reaction or five. I actually asked my boyfriend to teach me all about how to behave, how to appear for others and how to dress. I found that was so much easier than to fight about every little piece of clothing, how I was sitting who I could and couldn't dance with and what dances are appropriate and what is not. I stopped drinking alcohol at parties, I have e beer or two, but I never get drunk. Not only because he doesn't drink, but because I have insight enough to see that I can't handle my alcohol. I get stupid and I behave like a crazy person, my friends think it's SO much fun, but he and I find it quite embarrassing and an unnecessary thing to get into an argument about. And I have just as much fun not drinking and I feel ten times better the next day, no hangover and no bad feelings because I started a fight or made a complete ass of myself.

Not only is there cultural differences and a lifestyle differences, but there are time differences and language barriers. Not that you don't speak the same language, but there are cultural settings in different parts of the world where the language changes meaning according to the event taking place. This again goes back to the cultural differences and how words and tone of voice means different things in different places. The first year of my long distance relationship we argued a lot because of miscommunication, he didn't understand what I was talking about and I didn't understand him. He talks in a way that I thought he was angry with me and yelling at me for things that other people did to him. After a lot of arguments and explaining I learned to not get affected by this, in my language he was just ranting on and using me as a container for his frustration not being angry with me.

It was more than just a few fights over the first year, and the reason we made it past it was due to other people getting involved, telling us we had to start speaking instead of yelling and that we seem to have forgotten the fact that we are agreeing, we just don't speak the same "language". A lot of hours talking and talking made us understand the other person better, but to be honest I have made the biggest changes and swallowed the most camels to make this relationship what it is. And he has changed as well, I have never asked if this is because of my changes or if this was his effort to be better.

We have talked about some of his changes, but that was according to his behavior before and after cheating on me ... So as you can see there has been a lot of ups and downs during the last eight years. But in all of the ecstatic and all of the heartache I have no regrets. I don't regret getting involved with him, he has thought me so much about mind/body work and reactions. He has thought me so much about myself and my reactions to the world. I don't regret staying after I found out about the cheating, I'm always willing to give a second chance. And the process of getting past that incident has thought us both a lot about each other.

Most of my friends reacted with excitement in there eyes, not only was I in a long distance relationship but it's also interracial, he is of a different color. I have very white friends, not as a racist thing, but a prescription and as privileged this was very exotic for them. Some got so excited they wanted the same thing and tried to copy what I had. All I can say is that it didn't end well.

As we all know when you compete you loose and when you copy others you are not following your own path, you are forcing something that perhaps isn't really for you. Modeling after people you admire is a totally different experience.

There are certain ways to do certain things and when you want to skip a step and move ahead you pay a price. And that price might be a little higher than what you feel you're willing to pay. Never the less you are stuck in a situation where you have something you competed for and you have to pay with something you never imagined you would have to do without. Now you have no choice, this choice was made for you when you decided to get yourself something because of competition, greed, jealousy or curiosity.

If you want any relationship to work you have to work hard, but you also have to go with the flow and let things happen. Don't force a relationship, it's not in your best interest, you want to be sure that the other person is real and genuine. If you force a relationship to start or to happen out of desperate feelings you will end up with a relationship that's not serving your best interest. You are most likely to be exploited and used for all that is good in you. Not because that is a bad person, but because of the energy you put into the relationship from the start. Be you and be true to yourself, don't say yes to please the other one.

Some of my friends said "but why can't you find someone a little closer?" well he doesn't live a little closer and I will not end a relationship due to circumstances. I will end this relationship when it's not serving our best interest, not only mine but also his. I don't intend to hang on and fight for a relationship if I see it's hurting or stopping him from living the life he wants to live. I have learned so much from being in a relationship with a man that are heads on direct and not at all afraid of confrontations. As long as I trust that he is as committed as he says he is we can get through everything, and that we have. After almost eight years we have just about had every possible experience a relationship can have except producing a child together.

Go with the flow, let it happen naturally, breath and relax and be confidant that everything happens for a reason. If the relationship isn't happening it's the universes way of rescuing you from downfall and self destruction.

Long distance relationships demands a certain dedication from both sides, it requires open communication and a willingness to understand the other persons feelings and point of views even if it sounds silly to you. All feelings and reactions have a place and everything needs to be talked about and aired out. Whatever it is you feel you have to know why before you bring it to the table, if you start to accuse the other one of this or that without proof you are just telling your partner that you are not trusting them and that in itself is destructive. When I say you need to talk about everything it's everything that actually happens, not all your insecurities and stories you make up in your head.

If there is one thing that will damage a relationship it is jealousy. I'm not saying that you should look away and trust him or her blindly and be naive. Think things through and don't through every thought and accusation in there face, unless you are absolutely sure and that you know what you want to do with the reaction you definitely will get from it.

We can all swallow a few hundred camels a month, but if you never get to speak about what is bothering you, you will have a hard time staying positive towards the other person and your relationship can turn into a house of cards that will fall apart with the smallest challenges. Be very aware about how you think about the other person on a day to day bases. It's just as important with mindset work in a relationship as it is in a business. If you have a strong mindset and a positive look on the relationship you are more likely to succeed with the relationship than if you are having bad thoughts and trust issues.

You have to be the change you want to see.

There is a time and a place for everything and looking to change another person is not something you should work on. Everything you want to make a little different you have to make the changes in yourself not in your partner. You want the change, you make the change. Don't put your feelings in someone else's heart, it doesn't belong there.

I feel that half my "job" as a partner in a long distance relationship is to be present, listening and keeping the spirits high and happy. 

Good Vibes only