When you want to save the relationship even though ...
Being in a long distance relationship for over 7 years now, I know a thing or five about keeping good vibes and solving problems that will occur no matter how solid the relationship is.
All the small, and might seem like insignificant at the time, moments are the ones that will bring you back to the feeling of unconditional love. That you shout so loudly about when you are being falsely accused of something. The list of problems or challenges that pops up during the time apart is bad enough, but when you are together it's all fantastic before it goes to hell the last days. There are reasons for this happening and there are reasons why someone would provoke this type of events.
Different cultures have different beliefs and different strengths. I'm blessed with a western upbringing that lets me look at everything with cynical and naive eyes at the same time. This sounds stupid and opposite all logic, but it's very much true. I've also been blessed with patient not to speak about anything before I have "proof" but that comes from learning by doing the wrong thing. My man is blessed with a temper he can very much control when he believes I'm the one who made the mistake, or when he knows he has "lost". He will sit there calmly and watch my temper tantrum with a smile on his face. When I'm all yelled out, he will ask if I'm done and if we can go and get something to eat.
After and argument we will always talk it out and laugh at how stupid we are behaving. I remember when we first started going out, I told him that "if we ever have a fight and I get really angry, I do not know what I'm saying and I don't mean half of it. I just say it to hurt you." I felt it was my duty to let him know about this tremendous flaw I have, before he actually witnessed it.
His biggest strength is his spirit and ability to care and take care of people, animals, cars, houses and whatever else that needs attention. He fixes things for everyone and he adopts dogs people can't take care of anymore. He will give you his last $ if you are hungry and he always stumble upon someone who got hurt or got sick and he will take them to the hospital. And whenever I'm in any trouble or uncomfortable situation he's right there, as he feels it.
My biggest strength is that I support him in everything he wants to do. When he wants to start a business I support him, if the business makes a little sense. When he tells me he needs to stay close to his mom and can't come and visit me, I support him. When he made a really bad move and made a mess of everything and have to start over, I support him.
The next thing you might see happening is that the other person will easier take full responsibility for their mistakes as well. When you are the first to be powerful and strong enough to take responsibility for something you didn't do, you are making it a much less scary thing to do. Most people will have a hard time doing this because they feel it's a sign of weakness and that you automatically admit to something when you are being responsible, but you are in fact not. The only thing you are doing is taking action to strengthen what is important to you.
There are different issues in all relationships and I think we can all get fed up with one type of behaviour that comes back again and again like an itch you can't rach. But then it is important to remember the little happy memories you put in the jar, or the container of some sort. This is where you pull it out from where you hid it and look at all the things you appreciate about this person.
That they make you laugh when you want to cry. that they tell you they find you amazing when you least expect it. That they are awesome at cooking and sometimes gets you that icecream you like so much.
And you remember all the fun things you did together, the jokes you told that he laughed at so long or the time when you got sprayed with the garden hose and your shorts fell off.
All these small and happy memories that you didn't think meant all that much are now critically important in your relationship.
When there has been an episode of infidelity, whether it was you or the other one who acted on an emotion that should be lying dead, you have to take some massive action. you have to be receptive, there's nothing being resolved by screaming at one another. this is the time to use all the best qualities in this relationship and talk it out so that both parties knows what direction you are headed. Never ever should you tell someone that you can let this go if you know in your heart that you can't. If you are the person who will carry this incident with you and never really trust again, you have to let go of the relationship. If you don't you will only add to the pain both to you and the other person.
I don't' recommend you discuss these incidents with judging people. You have to find those in your life who will let you rant and went until you find the solution yourself. If you start listening to people who don't understand a long distance relationship, much less have had one, you are going to get poisoned. Your mind will pick up on things that are fare from what you believe and fare from the truth about your relationship. Take your time and you will in the end make the best decision for you. Whatever you decide, do it because it's the right thing to do, do not get even or take revenge. This will only hurt you, and you alone!
It's never only about you and your feelings, there are one more that you have to consider. Even if you think the other isn't considering you. To keep the feelings alive and the relationship strong you have to communicate, but there's such a thing as choosing your battles. don't get fired up about everything all the time, leave some of it alone and forgive without telling them they needed to be forgiven. It's sometimes, almost all the time, smart to think things through one more time before you act, say or do anything.
I'm not telling everyone who fell in love on their holiday that this is the way to go, this is for those who have a lasting relationship. And after you know the other person and you've had all the uncomfortable conversations.
"It takes two to tango, but only one to start the music"
-Henriette Andersen
When things are good
You would want to put all the good times, words and experiences in a well kept jar or other storage area. This is to bring out and keep you afloat when everything seems like it's going down hill and you think the last days of this relationship is coming. All the fun things you do together, memorise it and keep it with you. All the loving words and silly jokes, remember them. And whatever made the other person laugh like crazy, is gold for the times when you both need a pick-me-up.All the small, and might seem like insignificant at the time, moments are the ones that will bring you back to the feeling of unconditional love. That you shout so loudly about when you are being falsely accused of something. The list of problems or challenges that pops up during the time apart is bad enough, but when you are together it's all fantastic before it goes to hell the last days. There are reasons for this happening and there are reasons why someone would provoke this type of events.
Knowing Your Strengths and weaknesses
You would think that a relationship has two parties working equal on everything, but that is not so. There are different strengths to find in different places, and where you might be strong and level headed the other might be a complete basketcase. The equality comes in the two of you managing to work it out, no matter how many times you get the phone call ended, no answer for days and the moodiness of someone from a different culture than you.Different cultures have different beliefs and different strengths. I'm blessed with a western upbringing that lets me look at everything with cynical and naive eyes at the same time. This sounds stupid and opposite all logic, but it's very much true. I've also been blessed with patient not to speak about anything before I have "proof" but that comes from learning by doing the wrong thing. My man is blessed with a temper he can very much control when he believes I'm the one who made the mistake, or when he knows he has "lost". He will sit there calmly and watch my temper tantrum with a smile on his face. When I'm all yelled out, he will ask if I'm done and if we can go and get something to eat.
After and argument we will always talk it out and laugh at how stupid we are behaving. I remember when we first started going out, I told him that "if we ever have a fight and I get really angry, I do not know what I'm saying and I don't mean half of it. I just say it to hurt you." I felt it was my duty to let him know about this tremendous flaw I have, before he actually witnessed it.
His biggest strength is his spirit and ability to care and take care of people, animals, cars, houses and whatever else that needs attention. He fixes things for everyone and he adopts dogs people can't take care of anymore. He will give you his last $ if you are hungry and he always stumble upon someone who got hurt or got sick and he will take them to the hospital. And whenever I'm in any trouble or uncomfortable situation he's right there, as he feels it.
My biggest strength is that I support him in everything he wants to do. When he wants to start a business I support him, if the business makes a little sense. When he tells me he needs to stay close to his mom and can't come and visit me, I support him. When he made a really bad move and made a mess of everything and have to start over, I support him.
Your Responsibility
Whatever goes on in a relationship, it is important to take responsibility. I'm not saying that you should apologize for something you didn't do, but it's essential that you take full responsibility for every event, action, consequence and result. You might not like this idea, but I'll tell you why it is. Because if you want to blame the other person for this or that, you have to be ready for the other person to blame you for everything else. To avoid the blaming all together, you take responsibility and say that "I don't know what lead up to this, but I'm going to work really hard for this never to happen again". So you don't apologize, you don't admit to anything, but you are willing to step up and build a stronger relationship.The next thing you might see happening is that the other person will easier take full responsibility for their mistakes as well. When you are the first to be powerful and strong enough to take responsibility for something you didn't do, you are making it a much less scary thing to do. Most people will have a hard time doing this because they feel it's a sign of weakness and that you automatically admit to something when you are being responsible, but you are in fact not. The only thing you are doing is taking action to strengthen what is important to you.
When everything falls apart
Everyone has an opinion about your relationship when you have one that's not typical or normal in other people's eyes. Blessed are those who thinks arguing about who's turn it is to do the dishes or who made the mass in the bathroom are the worst arguments. I can't help but smile when people come up to me and say "I think I'm leaving him because I've had it with him falling asleep in front of the TV after work and putting the kids to bed. I'm working to, and it's his time to clean up the kitchen after dinner". when they see me smile, they hurry up and tell me there are more to it than that, and I reply "I really hope so".There are different issues in all relationships and I think we can all get fed up with one type of behaviour that comes back again and again like an itch you can't rach. But then it is important to remember the little happy memories you put in the jar, or the container of some sort. This is where you pull it out from where you hid it and look at all the things you appreciate about this person.
That they make you laugh when you want to cry. that they tell you they find you amazing when you least expect it. That they are awesome at cooking and sometimes gets you that icecream you like so much.
And you remember all the fun things you did together, the jokes you told that he laughed at so long or the time when you got sprayed with the garden hose and your shorts fell off.
All these small and happy memories that you didn't think meant all that much are now critically important in your relationship.
When there has been an episode of infidelity, whether it was you or the other one who acted on an emotion that should be lying dead, you have to take some massive action. you have to be receptive, there's nothing being resolved by screaming at one another. this is the time to use all the best qualities in this relationship and talk it out so that both parties knows what direction you are headed. Never ever should you tell someone that you can let this go if you know in your heart that you can't. If you are the person who will carry this incident with you and never really trust again, you have to let go of the relationship. If you don't you will only add to the pain both to you and the other person.
I don't' recommend you discuss these incidents with judging people. You have to find those in your life who will let you rant and went until you find the solution yourself. If you start listening to people who don't understand a long distance relationship, much less have had one, you are going to get poisoned. Your mind will pick up on things that are fare from what you believe and fare from the truth about your relationship. Take your time and you will in the end make the best decision for you. Whatever you decide, do it because it's the right thing to do, do not get even or take revenge. This will only hurt you, and you alone!
It's never only about you and your feelings, there are one more that you have to consider. Even if you think the other isn't considering you. To keep the feelings alive and the relationship strong you have to communicate, but there's such a thing as choosing your battles. don't get fired up about everything all the time, leave some of it alone and forgive without telling them they needed to be forgiven. It's sometimes, almost all the time, smart to think things through one more time before you act, say or do anything.
When in doubt, shout
There's nothing as liberating as shouting, I think this has the same effect on my body as running. The problem is there are no good places to shout, so I run and exercise. To keep your mind at peak and not freak out about every little thing that happens you have to have a strong physique. Exercising makes you body strong and your mind stronger. Building mussels tells you mind you are strong and that you can handle anything. When you have problems or issues in your relationship and you have a strong body and mind, you can handle these things with more calmness and ease. Keep fit to look good, to feel good and to be good.
“To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.”
Domenico Cieri Estrada
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| In a relationship it's not only about you and your feelings. |
I'm not telling everyone who fell in love on their holiday that this is the way to go, this is for those who have a lasting relationship. And after you know the other person and you've had all the uncomfortable conversations.
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