When you feel like "my life is over"!!
So many times we have this experiences in life where we might think; "that's it! My life is over!" But then time goes by and suddenly without realizing what happened, your fine...
So when you as a human have a "my life is over" experience, it's only you telling yourself that this external thing is the only thing that matters in your life. And no matter what happened to you, you know it's not true, but it's hard to reason with a broken heart or a beaten soul. To get through this things in your life it's best to be prepared and build your mindset before it happens, but that might not be the case here. You might already feel like you have lost the most important "thing" in your life and you feel as if your heart's in pieces and that your soul is flat and emotionless. You might be sitting there reading this thinking "I will never laugh again" I can with the hand on my heart tell you "that is not true". You will laugh again, but it might be for a reason you never saw coming.
The magic of human brain is that what you focus on is what will grow. So when you feel pain and you focus on that pain, you tell people about it, you think about it all the time. You might even shut of distracting noises so you can really focus on the pain and whatever caused it. When we are in this state, it's as if our minds don't want us to forget or even to ever feel good again. This is not so, but our minds are designed to keep us safe, and this "thing" that's causing you all this pain is something you mind don't want you to encounter again, so it makes you focus on it really hard. And eventually you will feel better, but you will not know what process that got you there.
The point of training our minds is to recognize patterns and how we react to different happenings. So we can concisely make different approaches to the "thing" that is about to cause us pain. And avoid the pain all together.
It's not easy, but you have to know that this person who hurts you is not hurting you has no real power to actually hurt you, unless he/she is hitting you. The emotional pain is what you are in control over. There's no one who can hurt you, but you.
Let's say that this person is angry with you. I'm going to call this person Kim because that can easily be a man or a woman. So Kim is screaming at you, calling you all the horrible names and things that is possible to call a person. It looks like Kim is on a mission to hurt you and Kim is telling you that you are lowlife and no good and tells you that your mother is a .... Your heart beats fast, your face turns red and you feel tears coming into your eyes. All your emotions are on high alert, and your adrenalin is getting ready to run (because we are basically still living in the stone age and this is your enemy screaming) After the screaming is done and Kim tells you that the relationship is now over and Kim doesn't ever want to see you again. Door slam and car spinning out of the driveway. You are left in tears and heartache. You feel like you want to die and you will definitely never love again. This is it for you and relationships, you will not risk feeling like this again because Kim just made you feel really small and insignificant. Why do you think you react this way? Write it down if you want.
What if Kim was someone you didn't care about? Kim was this annoying coworker with stinking breath, always making stupid jokes and you wish Kim would get fired. When Kim screams at you like that, you are thinking what did I do? You resonate what brought o this reaction and you find that this is just one more annoying thing about Kim. When coworker Kim slams that door while screaming that's it we will never speak again, you don't feel small, you don't feel powerless. Because Kim means nothing to you. Kim's words can not hurt you in that way because you don't let it hurt you.
When Kim hurt you, you dwell on the hurt feelings for a long time. You might even get a sick leave from work because you are in too much pain to work, and what if you suddenly start crying when you're working. After some time you will go back to work and you will stop crying because we get a lot of distractions in our daily lives, which is a good thing. And your life gets back to normal again.
What was it that made you stop feeling hurt and small? What got you over the crying and the feeling of "my life is over". When you reach that stage where Kim doesn't mean that much to you anymore, the words Kim spoke doesn't have any power over you anymore. And that's where you can take control and say "I have the power and I am fabulous"
I'm not saying that you can control your emotions to never feel hurt again, but this is to give you a tool to use when your in the situation of "my life is over". You must know yourself and you reactions so that you can have a quiet conversation with yourself and say; "hey, this is horrible to listen to, but this is a reflection on the person talking (or screaming) not a reflection on you. You are a good person with a lot to offer and you are loved".
When you have this down and automated it's easier to think good thoughts even if someone is screaming at you or disrespecting you. You will have the ability to listen calmly, without getting as worked up as before and then you can answer in a calm way.
This takes some training and discipline, but I learned a neat trick from my boyfriend. We had a huge fight because of virtually nothing and this is the story:
We are driving to meet up with some of his friends. When we reach, my boyfriend says "this won't take long so y\just take a walk on the beach and we'll be done by the time you get back". I'm more than happy not to wait in the car or sitting listening to them talking. I love walking on the beach I feel renewed and I chatted with some fishermen and I sat down with an elderly lady. I really took my time because I know how Tobagonians are with time and distance. There whole time and metric system is based on: just now and right there. When I get back to the place I left these guys, there no where to be found. I ask someone and they tell me "he took off". I walk around a little to see if I can find him, but I give up and sit down. When he comes back I say (in an unnatural tone of voice) "Where have you been?"
This is where hell broke loose, he started screaming at me waving his arms around and acting really stupid I thought. And I reacted the same way. Screaming back that he just left me, didn't say nothing, took forever to get back and so on and so on...
We argue for a while and I stop and say "why are we screaming like this?" He looks at me and says "because of the way you talked to me when I came for you" I don't understand and say "So how should I have greeted you?" He smiles and says " Hi babe, where have you been". I laugh and say "so it's the tone of voice that determines whether we fight or not?" He says "of course, what else? Not like I was cheating on you". We laugh all the way home forgetting that we had a fight 2 minutes ago.
Whenever I'm in a spot where a person opposites me is being unreasonable I try to be their mirror. I try to stay calm and talk with a low and warm tone and have a smile on my face. Not laugh on my face or a face that's having fun, but a friendly face that shows no fear or anger. Usually the person calms down watching the "reflection" and becomes more approachable. This is also a technique used by bouncers in nightclubs to calm down tempered situations before they turn into fights.
Human bodies wants to live. You want to be happy!
Our physical bodies is designed to survive. When we get too cold, our blood concentrates on keeping our organs warm so we will live. Our Body sacrifices our fingers and toes first (that's when we get neilbite). Then when we're continue to freeze our blood creeps closer to our organs and sacrifices our hands and feet. As long as we are unnaturally cold this is our body's only mission to keep us alive. And to live we need heart, lungs, kidneys and all the other internal organs. We don't need our arms and legs. Our physical body is not concerned about the quality of life it's only interested in life. It's a non feeling "law" like gravity, black and white, no grey areas, you either live or you die.So when you as a human have a "my life is over" experience, it's only you telling yourself that this external thing is the only thing that matters in your life. And no matter what happened to you, you know it's not true, but it's hard to reason with a broken heart or a beaten soul. To get through this things in your life it's best to be prepared and build your mindset before it happens, but that might not be the case here. You might already feel like you have lost the most important "thing" in your life and you feel as if your heart's in pieces and that your soul is flat and emotionless. You might be sitting there reading this thinking "I will never laugh again" I can with the hand on my heart tell you "that is not true". You will laugh again, but it might be for a reason you never saw coming.
The magic of human brain is that what you focus on is what will grow. So when you feel pain and you focus on that pain, you tell people about it, you think about it all the time. You might even shut of distracting noises so you can really focus on the pain and whatever caused it. When we are in this state, it's as if our minds don't want us to forget or even to ever feel good again. This is not so, but our minds are designed to keep us safe, and this "thing" that's causing you all this pain is something you mind don't want you to encounter again, so it makes you focus on it really hard. And eventually you will feel better, but you will not know what process that got you there.
The point of training our minds is to recognize patterns and how we react to different happenings. So we can concisely make different approaches to the "thing" that is about to cause us pain. And avoid the pain all together.
How do you avoid the pain?
How do you avoid the pain you feel when someone does something terrible to you? When someone disrespects you, abuses your trust and good nature or when the person you love cheats or leaves you? These are probably the most common ways to get hurt by a person that has the ability to cause you pain. And the reason you feel pain is because you have so much emotions invested in that person that you almost feel like that person is a part of you, like an arm or something..It's not easy, but you have to know that this person who hurts you is not hurting you has no real power to actually hurt you, unless he/she is hitting you. The emotional pain is what you are in control over. There's no one who can hurt you, but you.
Let's say that this person is angry with you. I'm going to call this person Kim because that can easily be a man or a woman. So Kim is screaming at you, calling you all the horrible names and things that is possible to call a person. It looks like Kim is on a mission to hurt you and Kim is telling you that you are lowlife and no good and tells you that your mother is a .... Your heart beats fast, your face turns red and you feel tears coming into your eyes. All your emotions are on high alert, and your adrenalin is getting ready to run (because we are basically still living in the stone age and this is your enemy screaming) After the screaming is done and Kim tells you that the relationship is now over and Kim doesn't ever want to see you again. Door slam and car spinning out of the driveway. You are left in tears and heartache. You feel like you want to die and you will definitely never love again. This is it for you and relationships, you will not risk feeling like this again because Kim just made you feel really small and insignificant. Why do you think you react this way? Write it down if you want.
What if Kim was someone you didn't care about? Kim was this annoying coworker with stinking breath, always making stupid jokes and you wish Kim would get fired. When Kim screams at you like that, you are thinking what did I do? You resonate what brought o this reaction and you find that this is just one more annoying thing about Kim. When coworker Kim slams that door while screaming that's it we will never speak again, you don't feel small, you don't feel powerless. Because Kim means nothing to you. Kim's words can not hurt you in that way because you don't let it hurt you.
When Kim hurt you, you dwell on the hurt feelings for a long time. You might even get a sick leave from work because you are in too much pain to work, and what if you suddenly start crying when you're working. After some time you will go back to work and you will stop crying because we get a lot of distractions in our daily lives, which is a good thing. And your life gets back to normal again.
What was it that made you stop feeling hurt and small? What got you over the crying and the feeling of "my life is over". When you reach that stage where Kim doesn't mean that much to you anymore, the words Kim spoke doesn't have any power over you anymore. And that's where you can take control and say "I have the power and I am fabulous"
I'm not saying that you can control your emotions to never feel hurt again, but this is to give you a tool to use when your in the situation of "my life is over". You must know yourself and you reactions so that you can have a quiet conversation with yourself and say; "hey, this is horrible to listen to, but this is a reflection on the person talking (or screaming) not a reflection on you. You are a good person with a lot to offer and you are loved".
You can let go of the "my life is over" part
Self talk is a cheesy way of staying on top of your mindset. Use the mirror and tell yourself you are fabulous every day until it feels real. Then you add a next sentence and repeat that to yourself in the mirror until that feels real too. And you keep adding on until the habit of thinking good things about yourself when you look in the mirror is natural and automatic.
When you have this down and automated it's easier to think good thoughts even if someone is screaming at you or disrespecting you. You will have the ability to listen calmly, without getting as worked up as before and then you can answer in a calm way.
This takes some training and discipline, but I learned a neat trick from my boyfriend. We had a huge fight because of virtually nothing and this is the story:
Calm the f... down!
I'm visiting my boyfriend on the paradise island of Tobago. The relationship is new and we don't know each other that well yet.We are driving to meet up with some of his friends. When we reach, my boyfriend says "this won't take long so y\just take a walk on the beach and we'll be done by the time you get back". I'm more than happy not to wait in the car or sitting listening to them talking. I love walking on the beach I feel renewed and I chatted with some fishermen and I sat down with an elderly lady. I really took my time because I know how Tobagonians are with time and distance. There whole time and metric system is based on: just now and right there. When I get back to the place I left these guys, there no where to be found. I ask someone and they tell me "he took off". I walk around a little to see if I can find him, but I give up and sit down. When he comes back I say (in an unnatural tone of voice) "Where have you been?"
This is where hell broke loose, he started screaming at me waving his arms around and acting really stupid I thought. And I reacted the same way. Screaming back that he just left me, didn't say nothing, took forever to get back and so on and so on...
We argue for a while and I stop and say "why are we screaming like this?" He looks at me and says "because of the way you talked to me when I came for you" I don't understand and say "So how should I have greeted you?" He smiles and says " Hi babe, where have you been". I laugh and say "so it's the tone of voice that determines whether we fight or not?" He says "of course, what else? Not like I was cheating on you". We laugh all the way home forgetting that we had a fight 2 minutes ago.
Whenever I'm in a spot where a person opposites me is being unreasonable I try to be their mirror. I try to stay calm and talk with a low and warm tone and have a smile on my face. Not laugh on my face or a face that's having fun, but a friendly face that shows no fear or anger. Usually the person calms down watching the "reflection" and becomes more approachable. This is also a technique used by bouncers in nightclubs to calm down tempered situations before they turn into fights.
Remember to breath
Facing a hothead and an angry person can sometimes feel intimidating, but if we focus on our breathing and keep calm we will "win" the situation. You will also notice that the hothead who normally pics a fight with you for no reason will stop fighting. You will notice a significant change in the person's behaviour and reactions and it's all because of the change you made in yourself. So when people say "if you want to change the world you have to start with yourself" you will know, this is not just something people say, it's a fact.
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